Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of Triumph Beyond Trauma. Last week you heard from Maggie Deall and her incredible story of being in the Police Force, becoming a Sergeant, , her struggles with mental health, and now how she's just this most beautiful, incredible artist running her gallery in Wagga Wagga.

I've received lots of feedback from the episode, and so many of you loved it. I thought it was time for me to share my story and sort of not get it out of the way, but just so you guys know where I'm coming from a little bit, , and how I moved through my mental health issues, uh, and where I'm at now.

So let's get started.

Intro

 Welcome to Triumph Beyond Trauma, the podcast that explores journeys of resilience and hope. I'm Rosie Skene a yoga and breathwork teacher and founder of Tactical Yoga Australia. As a former soldier's wife, mum to three beautiful kids and a medically retired NSW police officer with PTSD, I understand the challenges of navigating mental health in the first responder and veteran community.

Join us for incredible stories from individuals who've confronted the depths of mental illness and discovered their path to happiness and purpose, as well as solo episodes and expert discussions. Together, we'll uncover the tools to help you navigate your journey toward a brighter, more fulfilling life.

Whether you're looking for helpful insights, practical tips, or just a friendly reminder that you're not alone, Triumph Beyond Trauma has got your back. You matter and your journey to a happier, more meaningful life starts right here.  

So one of the questions that I always like to ask people is tell us how you came to join, you know, the New South Wales police or whatever organization they're in.

So mine was the New South Wales Police Force and. I'd been working in hospitality for a really long time, probably about eight years.

Um, I loved cooking. I'd worked in restaurants and resorts and I'd won a few awards for catering weddings at a resort that I've worked at, and also personal awards too, but I. Unfortunately for me, I had dermatitis and uh, I could just couldn't cope with constantly being exposed to food. So I had to give it up.

Uh, I started working in cafes in Sydney. I did a bit of time at St. Vincent's Hospital there making coffees, like hundreds of coffees a day. Um, but I knew long term. That's not what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

So I'd toyed with the idea before of joining the police. Um, my cousin was a cop and he seemed to really be enjoying it. I don't know. I just sort of, I. I really enjoy helping people. I get a bit of a kick out of being able to help people as well as like locking up crooks. That sort of got me excited as well. So getting a bit of shit off the streets that, um, that really appealed to me.

So at the ripe old age of 23, I hung up my apron and I headed off to Goulburn for training. And I loved it. I loved all of it. I loved the experience. I really, and thrived, uh, in the environment there. And I really did make the most of the time with my new mates, uh, while learning about this crazy new job that I'd got myself into.

So after my training at Goulburn, I was posted to Inverell, uh, near Armidale, the New England region of New South Wales. And that was just such a blessing. Rob and I had been living in Sydney for a couple of years and we knew it wasn't us. Um, it wasn't for us and we needed to get out of there. So Inverell was just a change we'd been looking for.

Inverell was a really great station to learn at. Like it was so good. There was a number of,, Senior Connies there who had a lot of knowledge, not only policing knowledge, but local knowledge too. A lot of them had farms and had really strong ties to the community, and it felt like they actually cared. About what they were doing because they weren't anonymous there. They were really , well respected, and that was just such a really nice lesson for me to learn that you know, it's your community and you need to police it as best as you can.

So I spent four and a half years at Inverell with Rob, and we had our little boy Alex there. Uh, but then we decided to move out west to Walgett. Pretty much for the simple fact that you got your pick of the state after you finished your tenure there. So we wanted to get back to the coast to be close to our family.

So it really appealed to us.

Um, Walgett was really different, , to Inverell in the fact that it was so transient with staff. Everyone was there for a reason, whether it be for the money. So everyone that worked at the police station as a police officer had a police house, and at the time, rent was just 3% of your wage, like a bargain and a really great way to get ahead and save some dollars. So they were there for that, or the same reason as us to get to the place that you really wanted to go. Um, I think some people may have been wanting to hide out there for a little while and be off the radar for a bit, but whatever the reason, the time that I was out there was pretty fun, uh, to begin with.

The first three years were really great and the team spent a lot of time together outside of work, and the kids were all friends and it was a really great little bubble. I became pregnant with our second child, uh, and shortly after he was born. My dad called me to tell me that he had terminal prostate cancer with a prognosis of 12 months.

Talk about a bubble bursting. He was only 50 years old, and I just still wonder how could it be happening? So I used my maternity leave to head over to the coast to help my mom look after him. And also like I've just really wanted to spend as much time with him as I could and with the kids too. So. Rob travelled back and forth from Walgett when he could and just shy of the 12 months dad passed away.

And if you've ever lost a parent, you'll know how utterly devastating it is. And I was pretty broken. He was my best mate, and still almost 10 years later, the pain of losing him is still incredibly raw to me

In 2014. So I had to go back to work. After having, Archer our second baby, and I'd been back for a while and my tenure was due to be finished the next year and I remember attending the mandatory Weapons and Defensive Tactics training day, and I just felt at the time that the male officers that were running the training instructing us were really hands off with me.

Like I'd always been a female that would give a hundred percent, including in these training days, but I felt like. I wasn't getting the training I required because the guys were worried about either like touching me too much or being too rough, or I don't really know what it was. Um, and I don't think it was any fault of their own, but I just knew at that exact point that I needed to become a weapons trainer so that I could get hands on with the other females in our command.

So they didn't get suboptimal training. At that time. There was only male instructors and I decided that I was gonna be the one to put my hand up to be the female instructor in the command. So in 2015, I went down to Goulburn for seven weeks. Uh, for the Operational Safety Instructors course. Alex was four and Archer was one.

So they were really little and Rob really had to step up and held the fort at home so I could go and do something that I was pretty passionate about. Our moms went out there to help him, uh, look after the kids and support him, but for the most part, he was him by himself. Uh, out in Walgett looking after these two little kids. Working full time. Of course.

The course though was incredible. Like I really came out of my shell and I felt like after caring for others for so long, like being a mother and helping to care for my dad when you're sick, that I'd almost forgotten who I was as a person. And when I was there, I wasn't a mom or a wife or a daughter.

I was just Rosie and it was actually really empowering to find myself again.

I enjoyed every moment of the course. Like it certainly wasn't easy for me. It didn't come naturally. I was a pretty average shot, but after three weeks of nonstop firearms training, I dialled it in pretty well. I was actually grateful that I'd had some trouble, so I was right-handed, left eye dominant for those of you who understand what that means. So I had to work around that before I could move forward with anything else that I was struggling with. But those troubles that I had, uh, gave me insights as to what other people might be struggling with on the range. So I was incredibly observant and I felt that this made me a more understanding and much more helpful trainer.

After finishing the course, we stayed in Walgett for longer than we anticipated that we would be there. So we were there for about four and a half years.

Um, and you know, like there were some issues with people out there, like a fair bit of gaslighting was starting to happen. Some other things that made the place really quite toxic. Uh, I started to dissociate quite a bit and went. Into a place. It wasn't a dark place, but I just started to avoid people a lot.

So we decided it was time to leave. Uh, I had my heart set on securing a lookup keeper position somewhere on the coast, and I truly believed that even though I was a female, I could do everything and anything as good as any of my male colleagues. And sometimes I reckon I did them better, but. I ended up being successful on my mission to get my very own station.

I won the position of a lockup keeper. It was a single officer station, 40 ks northwest of Coffs Harbour, which I thought was perfect.

So we were set, we were ready to go, and about three weeks after accepting the position, we were surprised to learn that we were pregnant with our third baby. And I just remember it being such a rollercoaster of emotions because obviously I was pretty stoked to be pregnant. Uh, it wasn't planned. We were sort of done with the two boys, but the absolute guilt that I felt because of it was just unfathomable.

Like this should have been an amazing moment in my life and for our family's life, but for the entire pregnancy, all that I felt at work was guilt and shame. For being that person that got a lockup keeper spot and got pregnant and it like, like I said, it wasn't planned and I really had no need to feel guilty because it wasn't intentional. But I did, and I remember making the call to the duty officer in Coffs and when I found out I was pregnant and he interrogated me as to what my return to work plans were like, I'd literally just found out that I was pregnant.

It was before the 12 week, you know, safety zone. But I thought I would do the right thing and let them know. And of course, like I had no idea what I planned to do after maternity leave. It just left a really bad taste in my mouth, but I persevered. And looking back now, 2016 was really the beginning of a downward spiral in my mental health journey.

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In April, 2017, I was really starting to decline mentally. I really prided myself during my entire career of being professional and I never let my emotions get the better of me at jobs. I was staunch, easily able to separate myself from some horrendous jobs that I'd attended. And I was just working in the station for every single shift in Coffs Harbour, it's one of the busiest stations in the state. The phones were ringing nonstop twenty four seven, and if the people didn't ring, they'd come in with all sorts of jobs.

It was undoubtedly the busiest time of my policing career, and it almost felt like I was being punished in a way like everyone knew at the station.

That station officer was brutal, but there was no movement to get a break from the incessant jobs that rolled in.

So from there, there just were a lot of little things that started to pile up on me. I was getting super aggressive to people who I felt were wasting my time. I was crying when people were coming with the sad jobs. I would cry before a block of shifts. Then I started to cry the night before each shift, and then it got to the point that I was crying on the way to work and home from work, and of course I was pregnant. So I just put it down to it being hormonal.

So I went to see my obstetrician in April, 2017, and he wrote me a certificate for the remainder of my pregnancy. Oh my gosh. The immediate relief that I felt at not having to go back to that place was like indescribable. It was immense. I went on to have our daughter in June, and now our family was actually complete.

Three months later after having our baby girl. Rob was successful in joining the Army as a full-time soldier. It's something that he had always wanted to do, and he joined a reservist as a reservist, sorry, at the same time that I was at Goulburn going through the police college, but they didn't allow him to join full-time as they knew that I was restricted to New South Wales. So this was his chance. He chose to be a drone operator because they were based only out of Enoggera Brisbane, so he could come home on the weekends.

So for 12 months. I was a single parent of a Newborn, a 4-year-old and a 6-year-old. It was okay though, like I thought, I seemed to have good routines and great friends to spend time with, but deep down I was really struggling.

I didn't, I still at that point, didn't even realize that I'd had a mental illness, even though I was paranoid and anxious, like 90% of the time, probably more.

I guess the point where I realised that something wasn't quite right was when I completely blasted the kids for something so silly, like not making their beds like I well and truly flew off the handle and that wasn't me. Then another point, I cried when I couldn't get the television to work one night, like I cried like my dog had just died. Like these are not normal reactions for me, not by a long shot.

In April, 2018, it was time once again to return to work from maternity leave, but for some reason, this time I couldn't, so I stretched out the leave longer.

I took unpaid leave so I didn't have to go back. I did everything I could not to go back .

I'm a person that's always loved cooking and making preserves. I love growing veggies and cooking with them, and then preserving. Then like whenever I have a glut of veggies, so I'd ordered a few boxes of jars, like jam jars for this reason, but they were delivered to the wrong police station. So the officer at that police station dropped them into Coffs for me to pick up, and one day I went in there with my baby to pick them up. So while I was waiting for the door to get opened, um, into the station. I was watching someone talk to the station officer and he wasn't being overly aggressive with the station officer, more like just being annoying and he just wasn't listening to what the officer was trying to explain to him.

Like at that point, I just remember it so vividly. I had this deep desire to put my six month old baby on the floor, walk over to the guy. Just repeatedly smashed his head into the Perspex window that was separating him from the station officer. It was so clear in my mind, and for the briefest moment, it was totally rational.

So I got my jars and I left, and as I sat in my car, I sent a message to a friend of mine and I told him that something was up and I just had no idea what to do. So he called me and talked me through it all and of, I didn't take his advice immediately. I sort of stewed on it for a bit until I was getting the pressure from management to come back and I was so paranoid and still so anxious I would cry again. And I started to have some pretty serious nightmares. My sleep was basically non-existent and I started drinking, uh, alcohol to numb, you know, whatever was going on with me. I just couldn't work it out. But a couple of weeks later, I finally took his advice. I went and saw a gp, and a few days after that, I went to the first psychologist appointment of my life.

Um, at that time, I went under Medicare and after spilling my guts and crying what felt like a million tears, my psychologist said, Rosie, everything you've told me is about your job as a police officer. You need to go back to your gp, get a work cover certificate and just take some time off work.

I didn't even realise still at that point that the years of being a cop had caught up with me. Like I didn't think that I was gonna be one of those people, you know? But at that exact moment, I made the decision that I wouldn't return. I couldn't return, and I didn't trust myself anymore to be relied upon by my peers. I felt like I was either gonna be too much. Um, take things maybe too far at a job or just not enough, uh, and not be the supportive offsider that you know you need when you're a police officer. And that just didn't sit well with me.

So in June, 2018, I called it, I told him I wasn't coming back, and I started the process then of medically discharging from the police.

Almost like, pretty much at the exact same time. Rob missed out, in gaining a position with the drones unit and was then posted to Adelaide in South Australia. Um, at the time, like it was pretty crazy. But looking back now, it was probably the best thing that could have happened at the time because it meant that I could, I guess, escape and start over and take the time to heal.

So for the first couple of years after my PTSD diagnosis, I think I was, I was just patiently waiting for the day when I would wake up and just feel like normal again. Like just, you know, like I was before. All the intrusive thoughts and the paranoia and the unfamiliar feelings and emotions started, and I can report that it still hasn't happened, but something amazing like did happen.

See, when I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, I was a single parent, like I said, of the kids. So the thought of trialling any medication was for me, an absolute no-go zone. Like I just couldn't risk having adverse side effects and being the sole carer for these three gorgeous humans. So even once we reunited in Adelaide with Rob, he was just away so much for training and work deployments. Um, it just still wasn't an option for me, so I had to find something else.

I was walking outside and taking the kids on hiking adventures, but it still wasn't enough. I needed to get back into something for myself. So when our little girls started day care in 2019, I knew that this was my opportunity. I found a local yoga teacher who was just opening her home, shala to just a few people.

I jumped on board right away. There were a total of five people in the room, and that suited me down to the ground because at that point I hated people. I hated places. Um, and I just really hated everything. I wasn't a well person.

And the thing is no one would've known though because. I was a master of putting on a very happy face. Heck, I even put on dinner parties for heaps of people, and I think maybe I just needed to be busy and not deal with what was going on inside my head.

So in 2019, I was officially medically discharged from New South Wales Police, and it was just this incredible relief. But I said to Rob, I asked him what the fuck was all that for? And he replied, it was just a part of your life and now you are moving on to another part of your life. Like how simple he, he was right, but it just never sat well with me that I, I didn't feel like it ever really meant anything for me. There was no retirement party.

There was no call or email. There wasn't even a text message to say, thanks for your service, like radio silence.

But it's okay because ironically, I felt like I'd been released from a prison. I didn't have to answer to the police anymore, and I was just a regular citizen and it felt really great.

So back to the yoga, from that very first yoga class I had with Bek, I knew that this is what I needed. Uh, Bek introduced me to the breath and I found it all so fascinating and she lent me one of the books on a bookshelf "Breath, the New Science of Lost Art" by James Nestor. And instantly I was hooked. I was learning so much about the breath and how it can improve many aspects of my life, and I quickly went from one class to three classes a week, and I felt like I was becoming mentally stronger and stronger.

I remember thinking to myself at one point, I. Hell, if I had known this stuff like eight or so years ago, I might still be in the cops looking back, who really knows. But I felt that this information had to be shared with other first responders and veterans.

So of course, I decided in 2021 to undertake a 300 hour yoga teacher training course for the sole purpose of teaching first responders and veterans.

That's it. That's all I wanted to do. I completed the course and became a yoga teacher, but my mental health once again took a downward spiral. I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder, so the very long incessantly, cold and wet Adelaide Hills, winters got to me. Rob applied for and was successful in getting a compassionate transfer to Brisbane, but it was only for 12 months.

So we moved to Brisbane in February, 2022, and I was starting to feel a little clearer. We really had to decide on what to do next, and Rob wasn't sure about the army being a long-term career option for him. The pay the conditions were pretty ideal, but he missed his family and we missed him. So he made the decision to discharge and in October, 2022, we moved back home to Coffs Harbour.

In January, 2023, our little girl started Kindy and this. It was the third time that I slipped into a deep depression, and this was the worst one. It actually started around Christmas 2022, and it went for the entire school holiday period. It was such a mind fuck for me because I was exactly where I wanted to be, like location-wise with the people I love the most in the world.

But I was just so incredibly depressed and it got so much worse when our daughter started school, and I completely lost it. She was the thing that had kept me going throughout my whole journey with my mental health. And then she and the boys were my purpose for that whole time. I'd been off work and now she was gone. Like all of the kids were gone at school and I had zero purpose and I felt so lost. At that time, I still knew that I wanted to bring breath work, yoga and mindfulness to first responders and veterans, but I just didn't know how I could do it and support my own mental health. At the same time, I felt like an online program was the way to go so I could be my own boss, which I needed because I'd lost faith in other people's leadership, um, which some people might understand, and I felt like it would be a safe place for first responders and veterans to go because they could practice in their own homes whenever it suited them, and especially for those people working shifts or those that are remote, like I was in Walgett . I just didn't know how, like I didn't know how I was gonna get it across the line. Like, how the fuck does someone create an online course?

I didn't know tech. It actually scares me a bit and I felt completely out of my depth, but I knew it was exactly what I wanted to do. Then I received an email in my junk folder. It was an invitation to apply for a scholarship program, so I deleted it and like five more emails that followed from the same person, and I went and saw my psych and I just unloaded all my shit and I just felt like nothing was working and I was still under my very dark cloud.

And I went home, and then there was another email about this scholarship, and I had no idea what the hell it was for, but it annoyed me so much that I just applied for it. And the very next day I received an email stating that I was one of two winners. Like, what the heck? I was excited, but I still had no idea what I'd won this scholarship for.

I quickly found out that it was exactly what I needed, a fully funded scholarship. For eight months to take my idea of an online course into an actual course, and they build out the tech like, wow, I just couldn't believe how the universe provides what we need.

So since February, 2023, I've been putting together the first responder and veteran mental wellness method program together, um, along with another short course for first responders and veterans to use, the programs are exactly what I envisaged, and they have given me so much purpose. I've never, I've never been in a better place mentally since leaving the police as what I am now. Like I really feel like I am in a beautiful stage of growth, and I'm so excited now to help other first responders and veterans on their journeys.

So. That's it. That's my story. Up until now, um, I know that there's so much more to come, and I just wanted you all to know who I am and what I'm about. I'm so passionate about helping the helpers because there's just so much stigma. There's so much negativity out there about speaking up as a cop or a veteran, and that so many just aren't doing it, and the repercussions are just horrendous.

So, and like sometimes fatal, you know, first responder and veteran suicide are at abhorrent rates, and they just must be more done for these beautiful people. Many of us don't feel like they need or deserve help, and it can actually be hard to find, especially finding practitioners that understand the nuances of life as a first responder or veteran. And then you've gotta go and open up that big can of worms like it can be so daunting.

This podcast is here to show you that there is life on the other side. Whether you leave because of mental illness or an injury, or you simply have had enough, there is a life outside of your service, and I'm gonna bring stories from others that have been where you are right now that have done it. They've left and are navigating life after service. I'll also be throwing in episodes with ideas on how you can look after yourself and your mates, as well as interviews with guest experts. I. I'm really looking forward to sharing this with you. Whether you are a first responder or a veteran, you're a partner or a loved one, or just someone who'd like a little inspiration that there is life out there despite your mental illness or traumas or tough days.

 Just before I go, one question that I like to ask my guests is, do you have any advice for anyone else going through this? Um, they might be deep in their trauma or struggling and something that I wanted to say is that triumph doesn't have to be this great big thing. It can be having a shower. It can be making your bed. It could be, you know, Putting some makeup on and going to get the groceries for the week, or not putting makeup on and going to get groceries for the week. Grocery shopping was one of the things that, uh, just brought me so much anxiety and I would go as soon as the shops would open at like 6. 30 in the morning, um, just so I didn't have to talk to anyone or see people or be busy in there.

So, triumph doesn't have to be this big audacious goal, um, it can be just doing things, the smallest things in your day, going out for a coffee with friends in public, you know, it can be those little things and those little things should be celebrated because this can be a long road, and there's not a lot of people that cheer you on, so you just have to cheer yourself on, and any of those little things that you can do that you never thought that you'd be able to do again, please celebrate that, and celebrate your journey, and celebrate how far you've come, um, because a lot of people won't know what it takes for you to do what you're doing each and every day, it can be a lot, and it can be really tough, and I just really want you to know that , I'm cheering you on, I think it's so important that we build each other up and we help each other along in this crazy, crazy world, so my advice to you is to celebrate your triumphs, no matter how small you think they might be, please celebrate them.

 Something very exciting is happening , that I really wanna share with you. On the 12th of March, 2024, I am officially launching the first responder mental wellness method to the world for the very first time. I have to let you know this program is entirely self-paced and designed to be completed over about 12 weeks, but there is 12 months of access so you can really take your time with it and gently take positive action to improve your mental wellness.

Of course, there is yoga and breathwork practices, but that's not all . It's packed full of information about why first responders and veterans are more likely to suffer from mental illness than the general population and how we can change our physiological response to stress. There's practical information about how you can support yourself in your own space so you don't have to feel vulnerable by attending in-person classes and workshops if that's not for you. And you'll also get weekly coaching sessions with me to support your journey. I would love for you to check it out or even jump on the wait list for early access at tacticalyogaaustralia.com/firstresponder mentalwellnessmethod.

I'll link to it in the show notes. I hope to see you on the inside.

Thank you so much for listening . Have the best day.

Outro

  I hope you've enjoyed today's episode, if you have make sure to hit subscribe so you never miss any new ones. We release fresh content every Tuesday. And while you're there take a moment to leave us a review, I would genuinely appreciate your thoughts. Don't forget to connect with me on Instagram and Facebook at Tactical Yoga Australia and share this episode with your friends, family and workmates to spread inspiration.

Your support means the world. My name is Rosie Skene join me again next week for another empowering and positive episode of Triumph Beyond Trauma. Until then, be kind to your mind and trust in the magic of your consistent and positive efforts. Triumph Beyond your trauma is closer than you think. Have the best week.