Rosie Skene:

Hello and welcome, welcome to episode 36 of Triumph Beyond Trauma. This week's
episode is an absolute banger and I use that word with complete intention.

You see, there's a lot that goes on with trauma and some of the
effects are kept quiet and behind closed doors. If you're a regular listener of
this podcast, you'll know that I like to grab those doors and open them up nice
and fucking wide.

I want to have real conversations about things that so many of
us experience. Why? Because, let's normalize life living with a mental illness
and the things that are affected by it. Let's open up conversations and reduce
the stigma, shame and blame. Let's allow others in a little so they can
understand better what we're moving through in our lives.

So, with that today, we are talking all about sex and I can
tell you, this one is going to be one of the best conversations you've listened
to this year. If you are living with or alongside mental illness, then this is
for you. If you have friends that live with mental ill health, this is for you.
If you have sex, this is for you.

And I don't even care if it's with other people or by yourself.
If you're an adult human, this episode is for you.

Courtney Nolan is my guest today, and she is the absolute bee's
knees when it comes to sex, intimacy, and relationships.

Courtney helps veterans and their spouses rebuild intimacy and
connection after trauma, PTSD, or depression.

A former police officer, she brings a compassionate judgment
free approach to transforming awkward conversations about sex. into empowering,
exciting moments of connection. With tailored programs and a safe, playful
environment, Courtney empowers couples to reignite passion, rebuild confidence
and embrace vulnerability

because you deserve more than just getting through intimacy.

If you like what you hear, and I can bloody guarantee that you
will, and you want more of her, Courtney says that you better get in quick
because her books for 2025 are filling up quick. Righto. I've built this
conversation up so much. So before you get blue balls, let's get it on.

Welcome to Triumph
Beyond Trauma, the podcast that explores journeys of resilience and hope. I'm
Rosie Skene a yoga and breathwork teacher and founder of Tactical Yoga
Australia. As a former soldier's wife, mum to three beautiful kids and a
medically retired NSW police officer with PTSD, I understand the challenges of
navigating mental health in the first responder and veteran community.

Join us for incredible stories from individuals who've
confronted the depths of mental illness and discovered their path to happiness
and purpose, as well as solo episodes and expert discussions. Together, we'll
uncover the tools to help you navigate your journey toward a brighter, more
fulfilling life.

Whether you're looking for helpful insights, practical tips, or
just a friendly reminder that you're not alone. Triumph Beyond Trauma has got
your back. You matter and your journey to a happier, more meaningful life
starts right here.

Courtney, welcome to Triumph Beyond Trauma. So good to have you
here.

Courtney Nolan:

My
pleasure. I'm so excited.

Rosie Skene:

This is going to be a different kind of conversation and like, I'm totally here for it.
, but before we get started, you used to be a police officer, so I'd love to
know a little bit, , about how that was for you, , a little bit about your time
in service and then how you came to be where you are right now.

Courtney Nolan:

Yeah.
So, oh goodness, where to start. So join the cops.

umm NSW Police So yeah, big blue family gave that a bit of a
go. And then I think what changed for me was more, uh, having kids and just
feeling like my values sort of. Changed a little bit. Like what was important.
Um, and just getting a perspective around that was just like, okay, I don't
know if this is for me anymore that the fact that I hated night shifts.

I was like this, uh, he goes not built for me. It's like, I
don't know how people do that. So for me, I was like, this would just like, I
would have that gnarly, um, night shift hangover for like days, days and days
and days. So I think I just was like this, as much as there are parts of this I
absolutely adore, there are parts of this that are just taking a toll on my,
like outsider work life and was just like, no, I don't wanna be, um, don't
wanna be doing this forever.

So I left, like resigned and everyone was just, I think it was
like the biggest shock ever. Like, I remember walking back into the station to
like, um, clear out my locker after I'd, you know, let the DA know that, that
this is what's happening and people like. What? Like, you don't resign. People
don't resign from the cops.

Like, are you taking the seven years? Like, what's happening?
And I was like, no, no, I just, I'm done. Like, this is just not fitting
anymore. So studied, um, neurolinguistic programming at a master level. So
that's just like why people do what they do. Um, like what sort of conditioning
from a young age and how that can impact them sort of later on in life with
their like, um, limiting beliefs or, um, just the way that they think and the
way that that can stop them from doing things.

But a lot of what I was noticing when I was working with
clients in that mindset capacity was like, everything related so deeply to, you
know, relationships and even deeper on a level of like intimacy and sex. And I
was like, Oh, I love these topics. Um, so I started to be a somatic sex coach
and was just like, Oh my God, like everything in this is so interesting.

Cause it's, it's in the body as well. So it's like, it's very
much the neurolinguistic programming side of things is like a lot of talk
therapy. And then the somatic sex side of things was like, okay, where does
energy sit in your body and how does that feel? And how can you move that out?
How is that impacting, , your intimacy or, the way that you feel about yourself
or the way that you're, you know, relating to your partner.

So. Yeah. Since, since I left, yeah, I've started my own
business and now I see clients, um, in a one on one capacity and there must be
something about me that attracts like veterans and first responders because it
must just be all like, you don't have to explain some of this stuff that seems
to be like the big kicker.

So sometimes on the couch, I'll have like, you know, three
vets, one after the other, and it'll be like, okay. I know exactly what you're
talking about, like whether or not it's like the hypervigilance or the sort of,
um, extra challenges to be vulnerable, um, which obviously I just, I totally
get firsthand, but then also being married to, , an ex police officer and him
having his own sort of PTSD and challenges, it's sort of like, well, I
understand this from so many angles, , I love it.

So yeah, now my, my world is all very much sex relationships.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah, that's so cool. And I, I think, yeah, with the veterans and the first
responders coming to you, they obviously know that they don't have to explain
that side of things, which can be so deep and on so many different levels as
well. So it just takes that whole element out of, you know, what they have to
do with you so they can get the help a bit quicker, I guess.

Right.

Courtney Nolan:

Totally. And I mean, I've been to like, , my fair share of shrinks and there's
like, if somebody doesn't understand, like, if you have to really, , give them
the nitty gritty and like the nuances of things, like, it kind of takes away
from what you're trying to find within yourself anyway. , I know that sounds so
woo woo, but it's like, I've, I've seen shrinks before and they just don't
understand like the magnitude of like, What the hypervigilance can look like
and why you might be on all the time or why you have like that, , that just
constant busyness in the brain and just like the overlapping of things like all
the time.

So I think when they come in here and when they sit with me,
I'm like, I get it. Like, I get the fact that you want to see the door like I'm
not feeding that side of you, but I also understand that if you want to move
the couch that you can see the door by all bloody means if you want to have it
so that you know, we're after hours.

There's absolutely nobody else in the office space. I also
totally understand that too. Or if you. You know, really value like discretion
or your pride and you come from like that background where you're very proud
and very stoic and talking about sex, let alone sex with a woman, let alone,
you know, in a, in a face to face setting, like, I get it.

So I think I just, I love that. I love that. I can make that.
Okay. Because it's , it's so important in your relationships. And I think with
so many vets, when, when people leave. It's like you leave a really big family,
whether it's a good family or a bad family, or whatever your exit is, you leave
part of your identity that you've had for however long, so it can be lonely.

So we do crave connections. So if, you know, our sex life is
quite fractured, or we have a hard time connecting to people again, because
we've got so much going on, sex is like a really, really important part, but
it's something that you can't just get support from just anyone. Um,\ You know
what I mean? Like your GP is not, you know, talking to you about how to connect
or like what lubes to use, or like different positions if you've got like a
physical pain or like your GPS not doing that and a lot of sites don't wanna
touch it or feel really uncomfortable.

Or somebody recently was like, they'd looked up sex therapists
and they were like, everyone is so fucking woo woo, it just goes so far away.
And it's like, when you come from an industry where it's like very masculine
and it's very, you know, black and white, everything's so structured to then
come and see somebody who isn't shaving their armpits and has like dreadies.

You're kind of like, dude, , you don't understand. There's so
many barriers there. So. Yeah, I feel like I found my sweet spot in getting to
sort of still be, you know, doing the do with, with certain topics, but yeah, I
love it.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah. Your whole face lights up when you talk about it. So obviously do.

Courtney Nolan:

That's what my husband says.

He's like, somebody barely has to give you an in and you're
like, okay, let me tell you.

Rosie Skene:

Just wind you up a little bit. Yes. Okay. So, well, I'd love to talk about trauma
and sex. And libido and all those things, because I don't, I can't think of a
time when I've heard someone talking about it openly. And I think that you and
I are great people to have a conversation like this, because we're both pretty
open and honest.

So, with trauma, one of the responses in a fight and flight is
that, , your reproductive system basically switches off because you don't need
it at that time, in that, situation where you think, or your body perceives
that your life is at risk. It's not something that you need. Does that then
lead when you have hypervigilance, like you said, or PTSD, I think something
that happens is maybe that gets switched off a little bit longer than it
should.

Is that something that you've experienced, , with your clients
or, or with what you know?

Courtney Nolan:

Yeah,
definitely. So, um, so for example, like, what did my clients say? Hey, I see a
lot of men so I don't know if I should know what it is, but I love it.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.

Courtney Nolan:

Um,
and one of the things that we were talking about in the last couple of weeks
with one of his clients was about how there was such a long period of like, Not
even knowing how to access that side of themselves and it being like, like the,
like, even the pressure to perform.

So the fight or flight happens and then it's like, okay, like,
instead of me being sexually aroused, which is, you know, quote unquote, a
luxury, my body's in survival instead. So we had to sort somatic stuff and
really rework the brain in that way to be like, well, Um, it is essential for
connection to have things like desire for your partner and pleasure and also
desire within yourself for yourself.

So we sort of like went through a few of those different things
because. It does like your priorities when you're hypervigilant is external,
right? Like, you're like, what's happening over there? What could happen?
You're kind of living not in so much as like your present body, but like, what
could happen or what's outside that door or what's that car doing?

Or what did I just hear? Was that a car backfiring or was that
something more serious? Like, you're kind of sitting in this. Okay, I'm ready
to go, which is. not where you want to be when you're thinking about like sex
or intimacy or just the vulnerability. So even for PTSD, for example, like a
lot of people would have like the flashbacks or the dissociation when they're
being intimate, because it's considered.

Vulnerability, right? And vulnerability and danger are like
loggerheads with each other. So you can't relax. So this is where, like, for
me, when I'd see couples, they're like, this is absolutely fucking my
relationship because, you know, my wife or husband really wants sex and I
can't, like, give it to them or share it with them because my brain is so
preoccupied with, like, the, you know, impending threat.

So, like, flashes back to an incident that I'd seen. So it
does, like, it creates massive problems. And if your partner hasn't been in any
paramilitary organisation or defence or hasn't experienced anything like that,
it is such a barrier of communication to be like, hey, this is why, like, it's
not that I don't find you.

You know, sexy or desirable or, or that I'm not attracted to,
it's just, I've got like these blockades happening first that I really have to
work so fucking hard to get through. This really isn't about you, but I'm
trying to work through them. Which is why I think, like, it's just, it's not
something that happens passively, like, your, you know, your sex life as much
as like, we want to believe, oh, it's just, you know, it's very, um, it's very
second nature, it's super organic, like, it's something that will just happen,
it's really not, like, , it's so intentional, because, Like, it's how you're
relating to somebody else, but you have to be vulnerable.

And that is not knee jerk sort of reaction for anyone who's
experienced trauma. It's like, Oh no, now I'm in like this ultimate like
protection mode. I don't feel like taking my clothes off, or I don't feel like
letting somebody enter my body or touch my body or caress it. Like those feel
so frightening.

It's like there's these massive barriers that when you have
experienced trauma to whatever degree you do have to like really be intentional
with to be like, okay, I'm choosing to work out how I can navigate this because
my sex might look different to how it did before. It's going to look different
now.

So I can't have those same expectations. So what are sort of
the differences that we can try instead? Because if it is too triggering to
have sex in the exact same way, or however that might feel for you. We need to
find a workaround because not having sex in your relationship is going to
ultimately kill it.

Rosie Skene:

Hmm. Yeah. I love that you said vulnerability so many times because it is something
that we struggle with, right? With trauma, like, and as co ops, fireys,
whatever, we just, we aren't vulnerable people at work at all. We can't be. Um,
people look to us to not be vulnerable because they are and that's something
that I've definitely struggled with is that vulnerability.

And I know so many other people have. Um, so what you said,
yeah, completely makes sense. And

Courtney Nolan:

it's hard, right? Like you're vulnerable. , Like you, you need to be vulnerable with
you, with your words and with your, , what you need. Or, what sort of sex you
like or don't like, but then when it gets to, , actually sharing your body, and
like I said, , even for a lot of people, like, penetrative sex is way too much
for them to, you know, when they're in that, like, eye of the storm with, like,
trauma, it's , oh, that just feels like, you know, impending threat, like, I
feel so, , It's too much.

So it's like, okay, like that is just not, , something like the
sex buffet that we're going to explore right now, because it's like, that feels
too vulnerable. Like I'm exposing too much of myself or I'm not ready to have
somebody else inside my body yet. So we need to think of something else or try
something else.

Because it's like, I hate the word normal because I'm like
everyone's brand is so different, but it's like, It's not surprising that when
you've gone through, you know, either one traumatic experience or a
compounding, you know, effective like the trauma is that you're like, Oh, my
God, I don't, I don't want somebody all up in me or like, yes, it's still your
partner, but it's not so much them, but it's like how you feel in yourself and
how safe you feel.

So it's like the vulnerability of like, being able to speak
what's on your mind or speak what your desires are, but then to also like.
share your body. Like when you think about it like that, it's, it's a massive
step. It's not just like, Hey, like, let's just go for a quickie. Like there's
so much more to it that actually comes in, comes into play.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah,
for sure. I think too, that leads me onto the next thing I wanted to talk about
was like shame and stigma in relation to sex. Yeah. Because, um, with that,
that there is a bit of shame, you know, like I, Mentally, I know that I would
like to have sex with you, but I can't get there. And then it's like this
little cycle, right?

And it's, and I can imagine, I don't want to separate the
sexes, but I think for men, there's probably a stigma there too, that they have
to maybe be a certain way sexually as well. And then there's a little bit of
shame with that. So how, what can you give me on that? Because I reckon I can
feel like that would be , just like this endless cycle of, you know, you want
sex, but you can't get there.

And then you're like, I don't know

Courtney Nolan:

why.
And then you're either in your head, or you're in your body, or you're out of
your body. It's like, totally. So I think, there's a couple of key points I
think are really, really important for people, and one of them is like,
Particularly if you've gone through something traumatic, if you're on
medication, it can affect things like, yes, your sex drive or how your body
responds to stimulus.

So, for example, you might be aroused, but for a female, you
might not be wet or lubricated, or for a male, you might not be hard, but
you're still aroused. So I think there's this sort of like, um,
misunderstanding around the fact that arousal equals hard penis, wet fanny.
It's like, no, that's not an automatic.

conclusion that you can draw from that. And I think that is
like the first step when I'm working with people, I'm like, try not to think of
arousal like the, , if your response to something sexy or attractive, if you're
not hard immediately, don't take that to be that you're not aroused because
it's just, it's just not the way that it is.

And I think this is where I sort of let down a little bit by
like, you know, romance novels or anything else, because we're led to believe
that, hey, if this person's turned on, they're going to be wet and hard and,
you know, And then it's like, if they're not, then there's a problem. So that's
usually the first burden that I let go of.

I'm like, let's just like, let's cut this loose so that you
don't have to have in your mind. I need to be rock solid. Um, in order for
there, for that to feel like there's arousal. Um, the, also the, the pressure I
think is also around like men, like I've had guys come in, um, around like
either premature ejaculation, um, Or, erectile dysfunction.

So, like, not being hard or not being able to stay hard or
coming early. And like, these are all again, like, they're more common than we
speak about, yet everyone feels so alone when they bring it up for the 1st time
with me. And it might not even be, you know, with 4 or 5 sessions in before
it's like, well, hey, actually, like, this is what's happening and then you
create that sort of, .

You know, that own fear in your mind of being like, well, I
don't want to have sex because last time I came really quickly and that was a
shit show. So it's like, I think the sexual shame is about like, Hey, I've gone
through something traumatic or, you know, I'm often stressed or whatever it
might be like, I'm living in this time of like, there's so much happening
externally and internally, the idea of sex and like the pressure to perform or
the pressure to be hard or the pressure to be like energetic or creative is
feeling like too much.

Um, So it's like, I really want to, but then I put all these
pressures on myself, which I guarantee most partners don't feel,

um, which then again, feeds back to communication and why
that's so incredibly important, but it's like, getting comfortable having these
convos is not something that happens overnight.

Like for me, obviously it's a piece of cake because I love it.
It's, it's not for a lot of people. Like sometimes like I have to like really
step clients through like, okay. And I'll write down like verbatim I'm like,
this is some sort of like talking points for you. This is how you can introduce
this topic or, Hey, I'm, I would really love to have sex with you on in my
head.

I'm like, Oh, I'm super excited for it. But then I sort of
start to think about how my body's looking or feeling or acting, or if I've put
on weight or. You know, I'm saggy or whatever's going on. And then I'm like,
Oh, I don't feel so good in myself that I then took myself out of it. So I just
want you to know, Hey, it's not that I'm not attracted to you that I don't want
to have sex with you.

It's just, I really got some things going on in my own body.
Could we try XYZ instead? So I think a lot of the shame, like the stigma,
especially it's like, you know, to circle back, it's like women need to be wet
to be turned on and guys need to be hard to be turned on. But it's like, Hey,
like, let's let go of, you know, a few of those expectations.

Um, Because they're setting us up for a fail and working on
like the communication around like what's actually happening because nobody
wants to be like, Oh my God, , to feel inadequate in the bedroom. And if you
are used to a sex life where, , you're quite overzealous or it's energetic and
you create it and it's fun.

And now you're moving through something where you don't feel at
home in your own body. The last thing you're going to do is be like, Hey, let's
try this cool new position I've heard of. It's just not going to happen. So I
think the shame comes in, which just is, is, is a really big, you know, it's
another layer when you're like, well, I already feel like I'm not good enough.

Like, I'm not in the workplace at the moment or my workplace is
completely changed. You want to be, you know, the bedroom is somewhere you
don't want to be feeling insecure, like you're doubting yourself. But if you're
going through like physical changes, emotional changes and psychological
changes, it's like, it's so easy for me to sit here and say, you need to be
kind to yourself.

But it's also like, okay, like, what are some other ways that
we can do that then? So like having the conversations and really like
introducing your partner and just like what it is that you're feeling and be
like, well, Hey, this is like, you know, I'm feeling insecure in my body or I'm
feeling like I'm not going to be able to perform or live up to the standard
that you're used to.

Or, you know, I look different or I feel different or my penis
doesn't feel the same, right. I don't last as long. And it's just like then
exploring some, some other alternatives instead of it being like, okay.
Penetrative sex is the only style that we have. So, yeah.

Rosie Skene:

Such a good answer. Um, the communication is obviously what you recommend, right? Like
just talk to each other.

Courtney Nolan:

I mean. Like you can guess and guess and guess and guess until the cows come
home, but it's, it's communication is constantly a work in progress for like
for all couples. I swear it everyone who I see and I see so many people at
various points in their relationship.

Um, and communication is still, , the base is it's still, it's
the foundational blocks that you need. And I think. I come down to, okay, well,
like, what are your conversations like outside the bedroom? Because if you have
a hard time, , saying something like, hey, I hate it when you park on the lawn,
or, , I hate it when you cut the kids sandwiches like this, or, you know,
whatever, if you find those things hard, think about how much harder it's going
to be like, hey, I actually, I actually need to use lube because, like, my
vagina doesn't self lubricate anymore because I'm on whatever meds.

And it's like, oh, like that is just like way too big of a
bridge to cross. So that's how that goes with, , when I start saying people, I
just talked to him about, like, you know, getting good at the basics with
communication and just talking about stuff. But also I think listening, like
you need to be just as good at listening as you are talking.

And I think this is where relationships do find it challenging.
I think, , when you have gone through something traumatic or you are trying to,
, you're having this massive identity shift. You're having your own sort of,
um, questions within yourself, so it can be really hard to articulate them or
to put them into words that you're like, Oh my God, like, I don't even know my
head is like swimming and whatever.

I find it really hard to talk about anything, let alone the
stuff that's happening in the bedroom. So let's just ignore the bedroom stuff
for now and let's just do like, you know, the basics and see how we go. But you
think about how important it is, like even just so much as , what brand teabags
do you like?

Instead of just guessing, just ask. It's about, and it's about
asking and checking. And there's no shame that like, I know one of the old
ideas that I've had with couples, , are a little bit older. I said to me, it's
about, well, if they loved me, they just know. And I'm like, that is so out.
Like we can fuck that idea right off because that is just, that is, that's not
what we do in relationships.

We don't just be like, Oh, they should just know if they love
me, you're setting both of you out for fail with that with failure. With that,
so it's like, no, it's totally fine to a circle back and ask something. And I
mean, if you've had some sort of trauma, you're moving through that at the
moment, , your memory is going to be pretty shit anyway.

So it's such an unreasonable expectation to be like, well, I've
already told you. It's , no. If you love this person, you want to be giving
them the tools, um, the tools to be good at it. So don't be all like, I've told
you three times. It's like, no, okay, well, let's work out a better system
where we can remember this then.

So I think it's like adjusting expectations around it because
it's like, the communication shouldn't be, I've told you 10 times. It's like,
okay, , what's the sticking point here? Is it when I'm telling you, is it how
I'm telling you, could we attach to something else to let you know? Is it the
way that you, , have focused on something else when we're having this
conversation that you're actually not hearing me or you're understanding it to
be different?

Like I've had conversations with people about how they hang the
tea towel and it's like, oh, but I wanted it like this. And the other person's
like, oh, I thought you meant like this. And it's, it is so true. Like it is so
teeny tiny, but if it's like my partners, it just, it magnifies to people,
particularly, , If you have something mental health that you're working
through, it's like, well, this is now the biggest problem in the world because
here is a classic example, like a confirmation bias.

Look, they're not even fucking listening to me. And it's
something as petty as the tea towel. And then you're like, oh my god, , you're
so annoying, , you're deliberately doing this to shit me off, you haven't
listened to what I've spoken to you, how are you going to be able to do blah,
blah, blah, or I don't feel supported enough to tell you how, , whatever
doesn't actually feel very good in the bedroom, like, it just wasn't, won't
happen.

So the communication stuff, and this is my advice to everyone
always, it's like, well, Really get good at that outside the bedroom combos
first before you start to attack the hey, you give oral like shit, I don't
enjoy it, you know, and again, I would, I would recommend you say it like that,
but I don't think that will go very well, but like practice like don't leave
those things.

You know, don't don't just leave them as like, oh, that's so
important. It's like, just like work on the way that you, , ask for things or
speak about things or bringing things up. It's like communication is practice.
It's it's not set and forget it. Just yeah, it. It takes effort , and conscious
effort at that.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.
Well, let's talk quickly about having kids in the house as well and making that
time because that's a crazy time of your life, right? So if you add that little
extra on top, little sprinkling of a couple of kids, it just makes, I think ,
harder to communicate about because the time, you just don't have the time, ,
and they're always around.

So finding a space to do it, , what's your recommendation
there?

Courtney Nolan:

I, I
mean, I know you're following, me on Instagram. So you would have seen me talk
about a couples check in very regularly. So for me, I think it is. I mean, we
have three boys and they are fucking wild. It is busy all the time. There is
like burping, farting, bombing, kicking, punching.

It's everything it's on from the moment their eyes are awake at
bloody 4 30 in the morning until at nighttime. But for us, I think it's maybe
it's a couple of things. Like I think a check in is really, really great. So
every single week we, at the same time, generally once the kids are in bed on a
Sunday.

We would go through like our, our version of a check in, which
is just a series of questions where we ask each other certain things. And like,
I'll ask all the questions and he'll answer. And then he'll ask me all the
questions and I will answer. , and the whole point is, there's no judgment. It
is just, Hey, this is what I'm, this is what I felt this week, but this is what
was going on for me this week, or, you know, moving into next week.

This is how I need you to support me. And this is what I'm
looking for. Hey, when you said XYZ, it actually made me feel really upset and
I felt like you weren't validating me or whatever. It's , It's a bunch of
questions, but it's basically just that reliable point every single week where
you can count on, you know, it's the consistency where you can count on your
partner to just listen.

And then also from them, you expect the honesty in return. So
it's like, I need you to be honest with this because if you hang onto this and
you're marinating or festering on it for weeks and weeks and weeks, and then
you finally blow up over something else, , because you haven't spoken about it.
Then that's the problem that we could have addressed weeks ago.

So it's like, for example, like I use this one, , if you go to
a social barbecue and , you're the butt of a joke about something, and then
you're like, Oh, like that, that really hurt. Like that really bothered me when
you said that I make a shit potato salad or whatever. And then for the next few
barbecues or whatever, you know, you make the same potato salad and your
partner cracks the same joke.

And you're like, Oh my God, this is fucking driving me crazy.
Like it just like the repetition of it is just like killing you. And then you
blow up over it. And it's like, how do you just have mentioned it and been
like, Hey, on Saturday when we were at the barbecue and you were like, blah,
blah, blah about the potato salad.

Did you mean that? Or was that just a funny, like where, ,
cause that actually really hurt me. Like now I got, you know, but quite unsure
about, , if you actually like it, cause you've always told me you like it. And
by having the conversation, like straight away, you know, so it's like, Oh,
okay.

They're just trying to be funny. And if that actually then you
can be like, Hey, choose something else to be funny about. Or if they genuinely
hate it, you'll notice I'm making it. And then you won't have that same
exposure to that same like insult or like the butt of the same joke. So it's
like, if your partner doesn't know.

, they can't do better. But if you're like, Hey, I actually
really hate that. It makes me feel really shitty and I hate being put on the
spot like that. Can you just maybe think of a different joke or maybe leave me
out of it completely instead of it being a repetitive problem that you had no,
you know, that they have no idea about and you're constantly getting exposed
to.

So, like, by having a check in, you can rely on that time and
you build that really, , that really good habit of the good, there's a word in
the woo woo world that they use all the time, but it drives me fucking nuts,
that really nice container. And I'm like, bleh, but you know what I mean, like,
really? The really safe container where you can say what you want.

I'm like, yuck, I hate this word, but you know what I mean?

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.

Courtney Nolan:

Where you can say what you need to, and your partner isn't going to fly off the
handle at you because you've created this agreement between the two of you,
where it's like, I can say what I need to hear. It's not aggressive. It's not
attacking.

It's me just expressing how I feel and me telling you, maybe
not with the same degree of finesse as you'd like always, but I'm telling you
what I need. And I'm being as explicit as I can. And again, , if you are going
through, if you have experienced some trauma or you're still like, don't, ,
feel really clunky with my words.

This can be a really beautiful place to do that. So it's like,
let's just word vomit, get it all out on the table. And then we can kind of
pick through what you actually need or what you actually need or what part of
that it was that made you feel really shitty. Like, like what is, you know,
what is the problem here so that when you do have a similar situation, you
don't repeat it.

Or you're less likely to, so it's like , the same feeling of
hurt doesn't exist and you feel completely validated by your partner and you as
the other person feel really proud that you've been able to do something that
makes them feel loved and appreciated and seen instead of making what you think
is a harmless joke and actually really hurting them in the process.

So communication, like , it's ever evolving. I think when , ,
you've got kids, right? So it's like your communication style needs to, tweak
and adapt to. To who's in the house or who's in the environment, but I think
when you have kids, like, the stakes are almost that little bit higher because
you're, more attuned to like, what words you use and who's present when you are
using them.

Um, so I think it's, it's just more so like, well, how much of
a priority is this to me? And it's like, okay, well, One of the ways that I
flip it with clients is I'm like, okay, well, if your kids were in a
relationship, that's exactly like yours, like, would you be happy with that?

Like, are you modeling what you want your kids to see?

Or is there a way that we could be improving this a little bit?
So like, are you modeling the fact that you were just like running yourself
ragged and trying to do everything and be everything to everyone? Like, would
you be happy if your kids showed up at your house 20 years from now and they're
doing that?

Or. Would you like for them to show up and be like, okay, I
have a day off a week. That's to myself. Or I, you know, go in, I make sure
that I read a book every two, , every fortnight, or I make sure that I have
like time with my spouse, because I really want you to see about, this is what
love looks like.

And this is what, Our relationships that looks like where we
put in effort for each other and we talk to each other nicely and we praise
each other. And this is what a healthy conflict can look like. It's not
yelling, screaming, punching holes in the wall, but it's like, hey, that was
shit or that really hurt me or I don't like how you did x, y, z.

So it's like, it's not about hiding all the things from kids, I
think, but it's about having like, obviously like the age appropriate
conversations, but it's like, Hey, like, you know, mom's feeling really sad
right now. So we're just going to be a little bit soft with her or we're going
to do this or blah, blah, blah.

So it's like not hiding it, not giving them everything, but
also still letting them have that exposure, which is really important too,
because You know, if they look at you, like you've hung the moon and that you
can just do everything when they have a time in their life where they crack or
crumble, they're going to be like, something's wrong with me because mom and
dad never did that or they never showed any weakness or I never saw that from
them.

So this must be something wrong with me here. Yeah.

Rosie Skene:

Does
mindfulness play a part in sexual health?

Courtney Nolan:

Yeah, I think, I suppose I look at it from a few different perspectives. But, um, so
I look at sex, I suppose, probably a bit differently to what Mainstream views
sex as, um, and I think about sex, I suppose, is more of like a buffet of
different activities or experiences and just different ways of connecting to
the person that you're choosing.

And also just doing things that I feel good, um, when we talk
about when you mentioned mindfulness, I think it's like about, you know,
obviously consciously being there and being so present with what you're doing,
which when we speak here and these, you know, clean cut settings, it's fucking
easy. But when you put that in situ and you're in, you know, your home
environment and you can hear the kids or you've just, you know, put them to bed
and it's been like wrestling a frigging crocodile and there's been tears and
tantrums and there's food over here and it's like so many jobs to do like, as
we know, it's so very different in a sterile setting versus like a bedroom
setting.

So for me, when I talk to clients, I'm like, how can you build
your, and I suppose it's like a mindfulness habit or mindfulness practice.
Like. Again, it's super woo woo, but I'm like, strip away the fact that sex
needs to be penetration and think about what else it could be and more of like
a buffet of activity.

So it could just be, it could be touching, like it could be
like an erotic touch, but it could also be like a massage or it could be, you
know, using different props. It could be using different, , anything else in
the bedroom if that, if that's where you're choosing. But I think with
Mindfulness. It's really hard, and I get it, like, for somebody who has a busy
brain, , it's really hard for me to switch off, so I'll Um, like my brains are
all the time.

So to just stop and listen to my body is actually really
fucking hard. And I'm like, Oh, this, sometimes it takes me such a long time to
like, get straight in my body that I'm like, this is just like running a
marathon for me. To just clear all the tabs in my brain to actually recognize
how my body is feeling or how I'm responding to certain touch or whatever it
might be.

So I suppose my point is like, I mean, I say the standard stuff
to people like try yoga and like, obviously, I love yoga. I think it's
brilliant. I think it can be a really helpful way of moving your body enough to
then slow down. But in a sexual setting, I think it's like, we'll take all of
the pressure off that this needs to be anything other than us enjoying each
other's time together and limiting the distractions.

So if that looks like taking everything else out of the bedroom
other than the bed, you know what I mean? Like, don't have like, you know, The
kids artwork or, , the shoes from the day or like the sweaty gym towel or like
just if everything else is stripped out of the bedroom, if you can have the
visual as just the bed speak, try that if it's like your brain just needs some
sort of like, um, music or something like have a sex playlist, have something
that, you know, will like, take you into the right mood.

So that you're like, okay, I can calm down now or have some
sort of routine where it's like, okay, well, let's have a shower together at
night or some nights. Like, let's just, , wash each other. There is no
expectation for sex. Let's just touch each other nicely in this moment. Like,
no, that's not like a mainstream sex, you know, experience, but it has a
similar result in the way that it's like, we're sharing this really connected
intimacy anyway.

In a way, that's like, okay, cool. We're still doing a task,
which is having a shower. We still get to be connected because we're together
and we're naked. It's kind of like when we have kids, right? And it's like,
well, this skin on skin is super important. It's the exact same with adults. So
maybe it's the fact that you, you know, might try sleeping nude one or two
nights a week if you don't already, or, you know, just the mindfulness doesn't
have to be like, let's sit here and do breathing together or that eye gazing,
unless that's your thing, but it could just be like, Hey, well, what is the
most conscious act we can do together to build intimacy?

Is it having a conversation? Is it sitting in silence? Is it
putting our phones on? Do not disturb? Is it, you know, reading the same book
at the same time? Is it having a shower together? Is it holding hands? Is it
just saying three things that we really love about each other today? Is it
being really conscious with the way that we think about things that we send
more nudes to each other?

Or we just say, like, leave a post it with, like, a loving
sentence on it somewhere. Or is it that you're sending each other the love in
the way that feels good for you? Which is why, like, sometimes I'll tap into,
like, a love languages thing and be like, Hey, well, what's your partner's love
language? Like, what do they need?

Like, is it, you know, words of affirmation? Speak. Well, can
you write them or text them or leave it? You know, leave them a note on the
fridge, or like, we have a whiteboard, like, is it leaving something on the
whiteboard? Like, mindfulness doesn't have to be like, a breathwork piece. It
can just be, what conscious act am I doing to build more intimacy in my
relationship?

Like, take even the word sex out of it. If that, because , that
can feel super overwhelming for people. Like, if you say sex, it's like, oh my
god, , Like now I have to perform and I have to be naked and you have to be
inside me or blah, blah, blah. It's like, no, no, no. Let's just completely
strip it bare.

, let's take that away and be like, well, what feels intimate
for you? Is it the fact that I remember this really important date? Is it the
fact that, you know, I just gone, gone and got all the ingredients for dinner
and I'm making dinner tonight. So you don't even have to think about it. Like.
If you take the sex out of it, and you're just like, how can I build more
intimacy?

what things can I do
that just say to the other person, Hey, I really see you. I see how much work
you're going through, whether or not, you know, you're the one who's
experienced this from or whatever it might be, whichever side of the fence
you're sitting on, it doesn't matter because all relationships can benefit from
that.

It's like, I truly see you. I really value you. I'm grateful
for all that you do. Like it could be as simple as, Hey, you bought the right
loaf of bread this week. And I didn't have to remind you like it can be so
fricking simple that it's like, Oh my God, you put petrol in the car. Oh my
God. Like just like taking the bins down.

Like for me, that shit makes me feel like the skankiest hoe.
And I hate it. I am like, I hate this, but it's like, when it's done, I'm like,
Oh my God, , That is just, there's bees knees. We put so much pressure on,
like, succeeding today. Um, this big celebration and this really big, like,
event that is just, like, all consuming.

But I'm telling you, like, if we Spend more attention, like,
particularly with vets, and particularly with, , people who have trauma, or are
navigating PTSD, or are sitting in depression, and are just like, how the fuck
can I still be relating to my spouse when I feel like I can't, like, you know,
when I'm dissociating from my own body, like, my God, , this just feels so
impossible.

It's like, don't worry, , strip all of that away. And just be
like, what's one thing I can do today to show my person that I love them? How,
what's one thing? And it can be, like I said, as simple as taking the rubbish
out or like booking the appointment for the service at the mechanic. Cause ,
again, another job.

Rosie Skene:

Another thing.
Oh my God. I feel

Courtney Nolan:

like
a bimbo when I go into the mechanic and I'm like, I hate this. You talk to me
like I'm an idiot and I probably am, but I just, I don't enjoy this job. So
it's like, When my husband does that, like calls to book it super old school on
the phone, like having to call and be like, Hey, can I book my car in?

But it's like, I love that. Cause I'm like, Oh, thank God. Like
you've heard me when I've said, this makes me feel like, , an idiot, even
though like, I know some basic stuff. I know how to change a tire. Like I'm not
the biggest bimbo, but I just hate being in mechanics. So he just solves that.
And I'm like, this just to me screams volumes.

But how, how intimacy and stuff continues to blossom because
it, it takes conscious effort. It's not set and forget.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.
Making conscious efforts for connection, right? Like,

Courtney Nolan:

yeah.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah. Just while we're talking about communication, what if you really are trying to
make an effort, right?

And you're trying to ask the questions, but you're just getting
stonewalled every single time. I think your eyes just did 360 in the back of
your head because obviously it's something that happens a lot. Um, yeah. Um,
what can you do? Like, what can you do? Do you have an example? No, I think
just in, in general, like you've got your time set aside, you're going to do
your couple's check in.

Um, they've maybe turned up reluctantly to do it, but it's
something that's very important to you. You're asking questions, but they're
just giving you nothing, um, that they just don't have the, maybe the skills or
the desire to, to have the conversations.

Courtney Nolan:

This is actually, I come up with a client not too long ago and it was like, and I'm
like, Again, not splitting the genders, but it was him.

He was like, following the instructions to a T. He was like, I
really want to do this. Like, this is really important. I really want to blah,
blah, blah. And she was the one who was like, not having a bar of it. Yeah. And
we, I suppose we did a couple of different things. And it was like, you can be
softly, softly with somebody.

But at the end of the day, it's like, well, how important is
this to you? And so like, I, you know, it sent him back with that question. It
was like, well, ask her, like, well, how important is our relationship to you?
Because at the moment I feel disconnected and I feel like, you know, we could
be doing X, Y, Z better off.

Or I'm feeling the disconnect and I'm, I really value us. Like,
I really, I miss us. I miss what we had, or I miss what we were, and I feel
like I can't get there until we start having these conversations again, and
like stonewalling's fucking hard, like it's brutal. And like I've said this to
people before, and I'm like, I would happily take a punch over stonewalling any
day of the week, any day of the week, because it is that, it's that
psychological stuff where you're actually starting to feel like you're going
bloody insane because you don't, you know, you're putting in the effort and
they're like, Oh yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, I'm here. I'm answering. I'm answering the questions
without bothering you. And so it feels like you're like, Oh shit. Like, am I
just being too much? Is it me? Am I crazy? Am I crazy? Am I a psycho? Yeah. And
I, it's hard. And I think like, this is where like. Again, like couples,
couples find it hard, especially if it's like you come from a background where
you didn't talk about relationship stuff or you didn't put effort in, like,
it's very, it's very new.

It's very bougie to be like, okay, let's work on our
relationship. And I mean, even, you know, I have conversations with like, say
my mom, for example, and she's like, Oh, you do what? Like, well, what, like,
what do you mean? Like, she just, it blows her mind to be like, well, what do
you mean you coach couples? And I was like, well, You know, instead of
explaining, like, how I do it, she's like, oh, well, Oh, my yd, like we never
did that.

I was like, exactly. And that's why we all grow up now. And I
like, well, what should a relationship look like? What is healthy conflicts?
Like, that's why, but , I don't think there's a quick fix. And I don't think
there's a quick, like, there's one answer. And I think sometimes I do, , I do a
bit of tough love with people like that.

Cause I'm like, okay, well. You know, how important is our
relationship to you? Because right now, I am feeling like this. I am feeling,
you know, do all the I things. I'm like, I think it's a Gottman thing to, you
know, be able to speak like that. But it's like, I'm feeling lonely. Or I'm
feeling disconnected from you.

And I miss that. I miss how we used to finish each other's
sentences. Or I miss how we used to date. Or I miss how we used to flirt with
each other. Or, You know, I miss how we used to just, like, laugh and play and
do all these things. I'm trying to get some of that back, and in my mind, it
starts with the check in, because this is how I can sort of, like, get to know
what you need better, and you can sort of see where I'm coming from before
things are in, you know, the heat of the moment.

So. You know, like I say, a couple of them, , you don't start
building. This is definitely not my own saying, but it's like, you don't start
building a parachute once you've already jumped out of the plane.

Yes.

It's the exact same thing. Like, we, we don't want to try to,
you know, um, set a good framework for communication when we're already arguing
about something, when there's already been a fracture.

We sort of want to get back there first to be like, okay, well,
this is what we can default to whether or not we, you know, You know, introduce
things like a safe word or like a pause or a break if the conflict is getting
too heated and it's like, okay. You know, whether or not the words like fucking
unicorn or something, it's like, let's just agree to pause this for now.

This isn't finished, but let's both go and decompress and then
we'll circle back to this, you know, at 3pm tomorrow or 3pm this afternoon, for
example. Once we both had, you know, a time to sort of like expel whatever's
going on and come back with a fresh mind instead of being so heightened and so
emotive and so reactive that we're just going around in the same circle and
nobody's actually hearing what the other is saying.

So it's like, let's, , let's work on that. So when you talk to
your partner like that, and I mean, I know relationships are work and they're
about growing together and moving through different seasons. And I think this
is a thing it's like, well, we're moving through quite a tricky season at the
moment.

So I would love for us to have some different tools or have
something a little bit left of center where we can rely on this time to talk to
each other. And it's like, you can't make somebody want to show up for your
relationship. Like you can't make somebody want to be vulnerable. You can't
make them be vulnerable.

So I think it's like, once you've given them ample
opportunities and you've explained how it feels for you and explained, you
know, where you're coming from and, you know, hey, well, do you want me, you
know, do you want to try couples counseling or do you want to try this
together? Because it's like, a lot of the time it is, it's like, well, 1 person
feels super disconnected and the other person can't see a problem.

And it's like, I don't know what's wrong with this. Why do you
need this? And it's like, okay, well, this is really important to me and it's
making me feel like blah, blah, blah. So this is why I need this. And I know
that it's not necessarily conventional and, you know, we both don't want to sit
here and chat about it, but Hey, what's the worst that could happen?

We get to air some shit and we don't keep carrying that on into
the week where we both feel really heavy and it affects, you know, what we eat,
how we train, how we parent, like what's the worst that could happen? We flush
out some dirty laundry and we just see. We see what's been bothering us, um,
and go from there because, like, again, I think sometimes those hard hitting
questions, like, they're not comfortable, but it's like, hey, let's just if you
get it, like.

ground level when it's first starting to happen, then it
doesn't have a chance to build into something monstrous that then when, one of
you is triggered and it turns into like this big fiasco. It's like, well, hold
on a minute. We've already spoken about this. And we've agreed that X, Y, Z is
the strategy we're going to use.

So let's just sort of like, go back to that. So I get it. And I
totally understand, , sometimes, , there's, , a mismatch and who wants to do
the work and who doesn't. But I think that's been one of my more successful
sentences with couples. It's, I thought, you know, I really, I really miss us
and I miss what we were and I miss what we had and I really want us to get back
there.

So this is how I would like us to, to, to try and to get back
there. Like, what, what do you think? Or what would you like? Or how would you
like to see us get there? Instead of , just making it more of like a
collaborative approach. , and try to go like that, but it's sometimes, like I
said, it's really hard because not everyone wants to do that, not everyone
wants to show up for those conversations because it is hard, like it is hard to
be vulnerable and to, to pick through things like it can be incredibly
challenging, like they're not sexy convos

Rosie Skene:

yeah,
you're gonna have the hard ones before you can get to the sexy ones.

Yeah.

Okay. I'd like to talk about how people struggling with PTSD or
trauma or mental health can start to rebuild their own confidence within
themselves. Are there some little actionable steps that they can take to do
that?

Courtney Nolan:

Yep. Um, what would I suggest? I think it depends, like, in my experience, what I've
seen, all the rest of it, I think PTSD has a very, it's got a unique flavor,
but then I think it's tailored to everyone.

Everyone's sort of variation can be quite different. So I think
it depends. So for some, , people I've, I've seen, it's like, they have this
real, , like, not wanting to be touched or not, like, having this, like, almost
oversensitive, , response to touch. And so, , we talk about different like
sensor activities.

So like awakening, awakening your different senses. So having
the agreement with your spouse. Hey, like, this is not going to result in
penetrative sex. This is just about us tapping into each of our senses, , and
feeling back in our body. Because a lot of the time, like when there's, you
know, if someone's dissociating or , just doesn't want to be in their body, Sex
very much depends on you being in your body.

So it's like, okay, how can we sort of like, navigate back
there? So it might be so much as like, I've talked to couples before about a
sensory kit. So it could have in there , wax, for example, like specific like
body wax. or , a feather or certain perfumes or scented candles or ice, like
from the freezer or, you know, blindfolds or music, like all of the things that
are your favorites when it comes to your senses and using them one at a time
with your partner on your partner.

So it could just be like, Hey, I'm just going to rub this on
your leg. And it could be, , it could be wax, for example, or it could be like
the feather. It's like just, All we're doing is just playing into what you're,
, activating all of your senses, like using these different things. Like, it is
just very, very small, sort of, um, small things that you do.

And it builds trust with your partner again, because it's like,
you're still sharing this moment without having the pressure of like, this
needs to be, you know, a long mammoth sex effort. This is just something that
we get to do here, which is really, really nice. So like, that's something that
I've, um, had some good success with couples who are like, Oh, just, I can't
get in my body enough to appreciate this again.

Rosie Skene:

That's just like play, right? Like just

playing without any expectation of having sex.

Courtney Nolan:

Yeah,
it's probably the best place to start with a lot of people and I'm like, even
if it's like. No sex, , a week or two weeks, and it's like, just do these
activities and , we'll start really gradually.

And I'm like, okay, there's no touching of genitals whatsoever.
It's not that we're not doing that. It is just about playing and enjoying our
bodies and sharing our bodies and getting into the practice of that. Because,
like I said, like, sharing your body is super vulnerable and activating your
senses is really vulnerable.

There's a level of trust
and there's like, there's all of that, which if , you know, if you're having a
mental health challenge at the moment, it can be really hard to be like, okay,
I'm trusting my partner to , hold me here in the safety of this room. Whilst we
do this, like that can be really hard and that can take time.

So it's like, okay, , there's no genital touching and then
we'll sort of like build on it and be like, okay, let's introduce a little bit
of this. But again, there's no, , maybe it'll be like, it's gradual, right? So
it's like, okay, well, maybe there'll be no, , oral involved. It'll just be
hands or like toys or whatever else we've got going.

It's like, you know, there'll be nothing internal and then
you'll sort of like do it in stages. As you're getting to the, no matter how
much you want it, we're not having sex with this activity. This is purely just
a sensate activity where we're working on our senses. And just slowly trying to
build up like your confidence in the bedroom again, because a lot of things is,
, it's confidence based.

It's like, what's, how's my body going to respond to this? , am
I going to come early? , am I going to be wet enough? Like, how do I look? How
do I feel? How do I sound? Like taking off all of those layers of pressure just
gives you more of the, um, the pace to just, To just be with your body and to
be with your partner again in a very, very intimate way.

Um, so that's definitely something that I've, I've recommended
with clients and that's been very successful because it's like it takes the
pressure off so much performance, even something like, um, the women before
I've said, I'm like, I've suggested something like a Lingam massage. So Lingam
is penis in Sanskrit.

So it's like, Your whole point is to give pleasure to him. And,
you know, it can be an activity of like massage or just like, you know, just
experiencing different things. Like it's not about getting him hard. It's not
about making him calm. It is just purely like, this is just me sharing pleasure
with you.

So it even takes the pressure off, like having to be erect. Or
having to ejaculate. It's like, no, no, no, we're just going to like completely
park that I just want to share pleasure with you for this time. And it's like,
you're building your trust again, because, you know, if you've had, you know,
if PTSD is in to do a relationship and you're kind of like, oh, I'm navigating
this.

It can, it can put pressure on the trust element and you're
just trying to rebuild it because like a bedroom is super vulnerable. So it's
like, okay, well, what can I do to share, you know, pleasure or to make you
feel good or to help you, you know, connect back in with your body? Like, how
can I support you with this?

And it's just those really slow things. Like I think. We all
love a quick fix and we all love, um, you know, to get results straight away,
particularly if we've come from a background where it's like, you know,
results, results, results, love an action plan.

This is one of those things where it's like, no, no, no, we are
slowly, slowly, slowly. So these are like the smallest baby steps because we're
rebuilding trust and that is not. It's not super tangible, it's not super
obvious, it's a feeling, which is so fucking hard, because like, the feelings
is like, oh, this feels murky.

Yeah, yeah. Like, okay, let's just Slowly see what works and
like, let's stop thinking of sex as this big ordeal that we have to, you know,
carve out time with and blah, blah, blah. Let's just see how we can be
confident with each other and feel supported with each other. And like, let's
practice that with good communication and enjoy each other's bodies without the
expectation to be hard, wet or to ejaculate.

It's like, let's just start there. And then we can slowly start
adding those things again. And like, You know, sex is going to go in, come and
go in waves anyway, like moving through seasons of life. Like, it's, it's just
inevitable for you with, , PTSD aside or any mental health challenges aside,
like, you're going to go through seasons of your life where your libido is
going to be sky high and it is going to bottom out and it isn't going to be a
good thing.

Okay. It's not something that's like a magnet with your
partner. It's not going to move exactly the same. So you know, your
communication is what you need to be sharpening up constantly, because that is
what will be the same. Like that is where you're constantly going to be able to
chat to each other and, and communicate or, Hey, like, I know that, you know,
you have a much higher sex drive than me, or you're more turned on than me.

And for, for whatever reason that might be, but if you can't
say to your partner, Hey, like It's not that I don't feel attracted to you,
it's just I don't feel The need for as much sex, or I, you know, I'm finding
penetrative sex actually quite painful, or I prefer oral at the moment, or I
just want to do this.

I just want to sit and hold your hand instead. Like, I feel
more connected through those activities, you know, than being brailed on a
Thursday night. So it's like, how can I, you know what I mean? I love that.
It's like, it just it changes yeah.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.

Courtney Nolan:
Especially when, you know, and I, and I don't think it's an gender thing, but
it's like, particularly if somebody has PTSD and they're not at work anymore.

Yeah. And they're at home. Right. And everyone has this
automatic thing that, oh, they must just have so much free time on their hands.
And it's like, you don't fucking get it for starters, but like, they pick up,
you know, or, or at at least present in the house and it's like the mental load
is a lot. Yeah.

It's like.

Just because you're at home or just because you're not in the
workplace. It's like you don't just have this endless store of energy. So it's
about being like, okay, how can we talk about this and just, you know,
understanding where our expectations are and just like the emotional impact of
that.

Because it's like, You know, there's different things that make
each net in each one of us feel, , sexy or good in our bodies and everyone's is
different and different life stages. You know, it's going to, you're going to
go through different things. So just being okay with that and making sure
you're around the right people for it.

Because if you're around people who, you know, Don't understand
it. Like your job is three times as hard.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.
Yeah. I like what you just said there. Um, all of it actually, which is just
the energy though. You know, I personally with PTSD, My energy doesn't work the
same anymore. Like I don't have as many batteries.

I think that's how I refer to it. I used to probably have 10
batteries. Maybe now I've got five on a good day. Um, so that energy management
too is really tricky, I think. And then having these big conversations,
sometimes big, but like little conversations that will generally turn into a
bigger conversation can be really draining in itself.

Um,

so I think people, yeah, probably need to be aware of that as
well. You know, manage your energy .

Courtney Nolan:
Completely. And I think. I suppose like the default for me was always like, oh,
you're lucky your husband's at home. And it's like, dude, you've got no idea.
Like, that's why I understand it so much when people are talking about it.

I'm like, yeah, but like, the energy is so different. So like
the energy you use for a conversation or the energy you use to parent or, , to
make appointments during the week. I'm like, Like you're saying, it doesn't get
replenished as fast. And if, , there's a bad night's sleep going on, like
things, there's a flow on of, of mood and like clarity and energy, like all of
these things feed into your sex life.

So instead of it being like, okay, sex needs to look this very
specific way. I just want to blow that out of the water and be like, well, can
it be different? Could it be massage? Could it be touching? Could it be sitting
naked on the couch together? Could it be? When you're having a naked swim
together, could it be going in suntanning, could it be going to the gym
together or doing a yoga class or literally just sitting there in silence
looking at each other like that?

Can it be something else that doesn't feel like it's taking
from your energy because when you're super low in energy, the last thing you
want to do is to give to somebody else. I think, you know, when you are in that
position and you're constantly giving, like you're giving to kids, you're
giving to, , whichever workplace is hot up your clacker for whatever document
at the moment.

It's if you're constantly giving and trying to remember. if
your mindset about sex is that you're giving to somebody, it feels like too
much.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.
It's

Courtney Nolan:

like,
well, that feels like another task or another chore. And it's like, I don't
have any more to give. And I'm going to do a piss poor effort of this. So I
don't even want to turn my brain to think about it.

So it's like, okay, well, what else can it look like? Instead
of it being like a performance based thing, Look at it as how can we connect
then? Like, what does that actually look like? Is that reading together? Is
that sitting and listening to a particular song together? Is that putting
incense on and just being like, oh, hey, this is the smell that we had when we
first started dating and this takes me back to like, you know, a more, you
know, a more peaceful time.

Intimacy is so important. I think this is where PTSD can be so
fucking lonely because so much is happening, like your whole world is like
being shaken up like a snow globe and you don't even know where the dust is,
where, you know, where it's all going to settle and what it's going to look
like. Like shit is shaken up. So it's like, You don't feel grounded and you don't know what way is up and you don't
know what to expect and you don't know how your mood is going to be or, you
know, if the role is reversed, how your partner is going to wake up to like,
there's so much unknown in all of it. So, like, for sometimes for couples, I've
been like, okay, write like a sex menu or an intimacy menu and write down all
the things that you do that are so unique to your relationship that make you
feel connected.

It might be going getting a coffee at a particular coffee shop.
It might be drinking out of a particular mug. It might be. It might be sitting
and watching a particular TV show, you know, write a whole bunch of things. And
like, even like a bonus point. So if you put like an energy expenditure next to
each of them and it's like, okay, well, this is what I'm feeling like.

So low energy sitting and watching a movie with you. Sounds
fucking great. Whereas when I feel like I've got lots of energy going to the
gym with you would be like, I'm not a crime. So it's like by having a resource
like that, that YouTube created together. It's like, hey, where's your energy
at? Which one of these would fit the brief?

You know, are we feeling good? Do you feel like we could do
this? Or if you're like, no, I'm completely fried today. Like, I've had a big
week, blah, blah, blah. Whatever's going on at school holidays, I'm feeling
shagged. I don't feel like I can do anything. I literally just want to sit
naked with you for, you know, five minutes and it's like having the ending
energy expenditure next to next to it stops you from feeling like, oh my God,
I'm going to let my partner down by not doing this.

It's like, no, no, this is just where I'm honestly out with
myself. Like, Hey, I don't have enough energy. Let's just go and water the
plants in the backyard together. It's like, that is intimacy. Like that is
what, especially as a wife whose husband has PTSD, it's like, this shit is like
amazing. It is, it is so much more impactful.

Like I don't even, as again, as somebody who loves to talk and
I talk all day, every day and do a shit ton of listening. Sometimes it's nice
just to not do the talking, for us to do the no, no talking, the nothing at
all. There's no expectation for me to show up happily and bubbly. There's no
expectation for me to share anything.

We can literally just go and do this one task, whatever it is.
That's, you know, it's as routine as like watering the plants. And it's like,
you can't fuck that up. I mean, you can if you make, cause I can't keep
greenery alive to save myself. But the point is the same. It's like just.
Having that list of like couples activities that you're like, Hey, I've got
lots of energy.

Let's go for a motorbike ride together. Let's go for a horse
ride together. Like let's go out to this place that we love and do this hike.
But if you know that you don't have that much energy area, you know, your
partners had like a pretty shit slate the last five nights, you're not going to
suggest an activity like that.

So it's sort of like protects you both.

Yeah.

Like I'm not asking you too much of you and I'm not over
committing, but I know where my expectations being quite reasonable. So it's
okay. Let's just do this. So it's like you still get that intimacy. You still
get that connection time, which, you know, when you're going through, you know,
you're navigating a new life with PTSD and it's like you're navigating it.

, I don't think that it ever goes away. So it's like you're
navigating a new norm. It's so nice to have. You know, like a resource that you
can refer back to that you don't have to think of every single time. Cause the
decision fatigue is gnarly, like there's so much there's like, what's for
dinner?

What toothpaste did the kids like again, who needed toilet
paper in which bathroom? Which present was it that I'm going, have I got
Christmas presents? Like it's a lot.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.

Courtney Nolan:

It's a lot. And particularly if you're the spouse who's now at home, it's like a lot
of that expectation can fall on you. So it's like.

How can you conserve your energy but still be nourishing your
relationship in a way that doesn't feel like it's just Way too much that
instead of navigating, you just park it and you're like, fuck it off. I don't
have the capacity.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.
I'm not going to do that at all. Any of it. Yeah.

Courtney Nolan:

It's all too hard. I can't make a decision.

Fuck it. Nothing. Let me just turn on the PS five out. Cause at
least they don't want to think of me. Just

Rosie Skene:

need to numb.

Courtney Nolan:

Yeah.
I just need to numb. It's all too much. It's all too overwhelming.

Rosie Skene:

, what
is the most surprising way you've seen someone improve their intimacy by
managing their mental health?

Have you seen something like that?

Courtney Nolan:

Yeah,
I have. I mean, I say it a fair bit, but I think I really attract people who
are very self led. So I think I'm getting people in their journey who are ready
to have me crack the whip in some ways, but then know when to be like, nah, you
can just come in here and sit and have a cry or just like, I'll just listen.

So I think, and I think that's purely because obviously I
witnessed my husband. So I know I feel like I'm quite attuned to like what you
need when you need it. But I think one of the big things with like, when you.
Are at that place with your mental health where it's kind of like there's
enough light that you can see where there might be something or might be a
little bit of room for it.

It's like, oh, I can kind of see that there's something there.
It's not just all dark. And I don't really know which way is up anymore. I
think it's been, it's been profound. One of the guys that I'm thinking of, he
was just like, Oh my God, like, I don't even know where to start. You know, my
penis doesn't look the same, feel the same, and obviously it's exactly the
same.

But he's like, I just feel like my manhood is just, it's his, I
just, I don't feel like a man because I'm not as hard for as long, blah, blah,
blah. So for him, it was like, okay, cool. Like we taught, we, you know, we
talked through a lot of those things and I was like. It was really nice because
he was seeing a male psychologist and he's like I don't want to talk about my
dick with another dude.

Yeah. That's funny because I'm like well I'm a chick like don't
you feel more like emasculating talking about it with me? He's like fuck no.
That's so good. It's like, no, I like dudes don't sit around and talk about
their dicks. And I was like, okay, well, come on in. I'll have a chat. Tell me
about it. And I'm like, again, like, I mean, I've had everything in this
office.

I've had people ask me to look at their stuff. Hey, is this
normal? What do you think of this? How do I navigate this? I'm like, I'm not a
doctor. I'm like, I'm a certified sex coach, so I can help you get back on
track. And I'm like, I have a particular interest with veterans because I love
it and have like been in the industry.

So I know. But not a doctor, so I can't tell you what that rash
is, but, um, to answer your question. Are you getting a sense for my days,
Rosie? Oh, it's so fun. I can imagine. It is. It's so much fun. I've got so
many props in here. It's wild. Like, yeah, it's wild when people come in. But I
think what I noticed is like, the mental health thing, it's when you start to
teach clients to be aware, right?

If their value again, and I think when you have so much value
attached to the service industry that you were in and to be in service of other
people, that when your, your primary role becomes you getting better, it's
like, Oh fuck, I don't know how to do this. Me? What? Yeah.

Rosie Skene:

I'm literally the bottom of the list. Right.?

Courtney Nolan:

Completely. And they're like, Oh no, let's just focus on like how to please my
wife. I'm like, no, no, no. I'm like, trust me. This is one of those things
where it's like. When you feel good about you, you exude confidence. And I was
like, you become like super fuckable when you feel good in your shit. And I was
like, trust me, when you feel good in your body, whichever, you know, even if
you're carrying an extra 20 kilos, whatever, it's not a weight thing.

It's not an image thing. It's not an identity thing. It's how
you feel in your body. So like, which obviously with PTSD, like all the
insecurities come up and all the triggers and all of this and will I be enough
and who am I now that I'm not attached to this organization and what do I do
with my day and what value do I bring?

And like, you know, am I even doing a good job with my kids?
Like, am I parenting well enough? How will this affect them? There's so much
doubt and insecurity and pressure. That for this client, , we spent a good, we
spent weeks on this and he was just like, I don't know, like, you know, just
like, it was like, he's like, I can see it, but he's like, I can't, like, I'm
not in it yet.

Like, I can't access it. So it was just like breaking down his
idea of himself and also what it meant to be like a really good role model,
like within, the community and within his like family dynamic. So for me,
watching his success, he's like, you've completely opened my mind to what
intimacy can look like and how I can bring that into my marriage and how I can,
you know, really model that he's like, it just.

You know, coming from a military background where it's like,
you don't show vulnerability, you don't show emotion, like these are all
negative. Now he's like, I feel like I'm able to share with my kids. Like, this
is the real strength and showing like vulnerability and talking about emotions
and be like, Hey, well, dad's sad at the moment because he's having, you know,
memories from when he used to work and, you know, blah, blah, blah job.

So for him, it was like almost getting to like, know himself
again outside. the industry that he was in. And it was like, so daunting. Cause
like when you've been in, you know, an industry where it's like all consuming
and it affects your life on the job and off the job, it can be like, Oh my God,
I'm out in the cold now.

I don't know myself. I don't know what to do. Like, I'm so used
to, you know, doing all these things that can be like a really big adjustment.
So if any, like though, when, when I have clients like that, where it's like,
you are now aware of your deep worth. outside this job and what you actually
bring when you're not outside an occupation, it flows into everything.

It flows into your friendships, it flows into your parenting,
it flows into your marriage, it flows into the next occupation, the next job
that you do. It's like, Being sure of yourself in the way that it's like, I
know exactly what I like inside and outside the bedroom and I'm, you know,
comfortable with like that unknowing piece of like, I'm still exploring this or
I'm still working out how to do this.

And it's like, it's hard when you're so used to things being
like such high stakes. It's like, if I fuck this up, I could get shot. So it's
sort of like. You know, the stakes are really high. Whereas now it's sort of
like, Hey, like we can just massage these and we can navigate these, like your
job is your mental health.

And it's like you putting you first for a change. So the best
thing you can do for your family is to look after you. But when you're taught,
like, Hey, your needs a second to everybody else's, it can take time to get
that. And I mean, intimacy is no different. It's like, it takes time to like
rebuild that idea of like what your intimate life looks like, particularly with
mental health.

Like There's no black and white with it. There's no like, do
this. And then that'll do that. Like just, which is where people who are so
used to having, you know, action result, action, result, action result. It's
like, I'm doing these, why isn't this happening? Like I'm doing all the right

steps. Like, why am I not feeling better already?

It can be all those boxes in the order that it was written.

And it's like, it can be really hard. It's like the clients
like that when they come in and they're like, Oh my God, like this just
happened or. You know, like we had incredible sex and it was like this, Oh my
God, we had this really great conversation.

We covered this, this, and this, or, Hey, we've actually
decided, you know, we're going to do this. So like, whatever it might be, it's
like, Oh, actually I stood nude in front of that mirror. Like you said, for
five minutes. And I was like, damn, actually it looked pretty good. So it's
like the winds just look different and they look different on everyone.

So for some people, yeah, it's about like appreciating the
naked body. Or, you know, you know, lasting two minutes and cents or being able
to masturbate. Like for some people that it's like, Oh my God, I could never,
but it's like, Hey, if you don't know your own body, how can you communicate
that with somebody else?

So it's like a whole, it's just the, the wins just look
different to everybody. But I think it's like, it's a feeling like when people
come back into the office and they've had a win, you know, for that fortnight,
and it's like, Oh my God, like. This happened. It's like, I don't know. It
feels really, really good.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah. So rewarding for you to, you know, like literally changing lives. So good.

One thing is like after trauma, because the response sometimes
is instead of it being exciting, It's scary.

Courtney Nolan:

Yeah.

Rosie Skene:

Have you experienced anything like that? Like just being vulnerable can be quite scary
and not, and not even vulnerable, but just even thinking about getting into
that space can be really, really fraught with, yeah, like the danger and the
alarm bells are going off like, ah, we can't do that.

Courtney Nolan:
Completely. I mean, yeah. I do. And I see that sometimes, but I also see it
attached to something like really risk seeking behavior. Like I've seen a
couple of clients who love the risk element of stuff. And they're just addicted
to like that adrenaline. Um, how far can I push this kind of thing and their
sex life, um, it looks different because they're like, Oh, I really just want
to push the boundaries on like, whether or not it's like a kink or a public
place or like whatever it might be.

It's like, how can I just like push, how can I ramp this up to
the adrenaline that I'm used to,

you know, considered my norm. Um, so yeah, sometimes I see that
and I mean, like I said, everyone is so different and their willingness and,
you know. It does come down to like, Hey, is this a problem for you or is it a
problem for your spouse or how is this a problem for you?

Um, like, where are you seeking it? Or, , is that, what does
any of that stuff look like? I suppose. So, yes, sometimes I see that, but I
also understand what you're saying about like, it's the, the fear of
vulnerability is, is red hot. Like, it's so common. It's, it's so scary. And I
think that's why when, like I mentioned before, it's about like taking all of
the layers back off.

Yeah.

Creating different like sexual options of, you know, either
just a massage or a shower. It's like really like just come straight back down
to basics and move as slow as you need. So it might be like, Hey, well, we
don't have, you know, Sex for ages or weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks or
months or whatever it might be, but you know, this is an alternative.

So it might be like, okay, well, let's introduce a weekly
shower or a massage or. You know, sex toys that are like Bluetooth operated. So
it's like, you're not actually inside me, but you're still able to control it.
So it's like, you know, there's still a connectedness that we can share where I
don't have to be fully vulnerable.

So, for some people, like the Bluetooth has been a really great
hit because it's like, they don't even have to be in the same room.

Yeah.

Still partnered play. I know like it's semantics with that, but
it's a, it is still parted play because somebody else is controlling it. But
you don't have that same pressure of like, well what does my orgasm face look
like?

Or am I being, did I have to take all of my clothes off in
order to do this? So it's like you can just move at your own pace. I think
normalizing the fact that your sex life is, is gonna be different. Um, get
support with the conversations. 'cause I think. Like, when my first, when my
husband first got diagnosed with PTSD, I couldn't find support fucking anywhere
when it came to like relationships and sex stuff, like all the support in this
was just my experience.

Um, all the support was for him, but never for the spouse. And
I'm like, I've already been in the, you know, I've been in the police force. So
I understand a lot of the traumas. I've seen a lot of the things, like, I get
what's happening, but how do I then bridge. Yeah. , your experience, like how
can I show you empathy and understanding without like, you know, taking on
vicarious trauma in the process or how do I do that?

Like, what does that actually look like? Because , I still have
needs. How do I communicate them without putting pressure on you? And I think
this is why I did step into this space so much because I'm like, I fucking get
it. Like, I'm at the podcast I listen to where I'll leave, leave that spouse
up.

They'll never be the same again. Just leave. And I just was
like, Oh my God, this is horrific. Like, no, that's not an option. Give me
something better. And I just, I just, it's such a time where you're like the
feeling of like, everyone asks like how your spouse is doing. And it was like,
Oh, how are they like, Oh, I thought they'd be better by now.

And it's like, fuck off. You clearly don't understand. This is
not linear. We have ups and downs. Like just, I think it's like this support
side of things can be really challenging. So I always, always, always recommend
support for both of you. Like. The spouse is just as important and it's just
somebody to normalize like, Hey, yeah, this is really hard or Hey, your sex is
going to look different.

Overall energy is going to change. Libido is going to change.
Positions might need to change. Like, even the time of day, if you guys always
used to be frisky at night, like that might not be the thing anymore. Like, if
you used to always, you know, like it in the bedroom, like that might not be
the safe place anymore.

So it's just about having enough support to open your minds to,
Hey, how else can we do this? Because these three positions used to work
perfectly, but now they don't. Or this template that we used to follow, now
that's too much. So it's like, how can you strip it completely back? Who can
help you to like, turn your mind to think about different ways that that might
work?

So that it doesn't feel like just an impossible task. That
doesn't get touched. And then you both suffer because you both really miss each
other. Like you miss what you had, but it just, it's, it's feels so
unattainable because you're on, on different sides of that coin. So you're
like, well, how do I get back there?

And you're both trying to go at it in a different way, but it's
like, there's no real conduit between you. So. I don't know. I think my biggest
advice is always like asking for help. Like, I know, I know this is not a knee
jerk reaction from anybody. That's why I say getting support. And support is
not a sign of weakness.

It's just like, this is how much I value this. Like, I value
this so much. I am willing to ask somebody else to guide me in what other
alternatives or options might be. Like, this means so much to me. I'm happy to
park my ego to hear how somebody else might know a different way to approach
this.

Yeah. And

I think that's the biggest piece because it's like, what's the
alternative?

You don't get support and you constantly grow apart. And then
you're just like, , don't know each other anymore and you're just flat mates.
And it's like, well, I know how we feel when we are together and I miss that.
So yeah, I think that's my, that's my advice to anyone. It's like, go slow, be
okay with things looking different and not like, , your best mates who have an
office job and the biggest stressor they've got is if there's fucking paper in
the printer or how to change the toner.

Like, your stress is different, your stakes are different, your
experience of trauma is different. So everything just, your whole, world's been
shaken up and , you're allowed to do sex differently. Like, there's no rule
unless, you know, You know, there's no rule, there's no template. You just, you
get to create your own shit.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah. I like that. Let's talk about seeking support because you are amazing. And I just
love, I love this conversation so much because it's like anything in life,
right? Sometimes you just think you're the only one going through it. And you
just don't know what to do about it. It's like, Oh my God, why am I like this?

Or why is my life like this? Or why is this happening? Are your
books open?

Courtney Nolan:

My books for 2025 are open. That's exciting. But they're limited. Yeah. This is
purely a capacity thing because I get excited and then I'm a bleeding heart and
I'm like, Oh my God, let me do this. Um, but they are open. They are open and I
think I preference.

I mean, I shouldn't say I have favorites, but I do prefer
preference Vets over, um, she probably shouldn't say that, but I do, I have
such a soft spot for anyone who's in this spot. So yes, they are open. Um, the
best place to contact me is either my website. So Courtney Nolan. com or flick
me an email because I monitor that obviously hot, hot.

So [email protected] that, yeah, support is open
because I think, um, you know, it's We have to stick together.

Rosie Skene:

We do. We do. I'll link to everything in the show notes, as well as your amazing
podcast. I love it so much. It's so fun and real and raw and, um, just
everything that you are, obviously, it's great.

Courtney Nolan:

so much. I'll find a Poddy easy because I'm like, we can just chat. You just love
a chat. I'm like, words. I'm like, uh. typed words. I'm like, okay, let's just
chat about this.

Rosie Skene:

So good. It's so good. I love it. Thank you for coming on. I appreciate your time so
much.

Courtney Nolan:

My
pleasure.

Rosie Skene:

Yeah.
It's been a joy.

Courtney Nolan:

Thanks

Rosie Skene:

I hope
you've enjoyed today's episode. If you have, make sure to hit subscribe so you
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Your support means the world. My name is Rosie Skene join me
again next week for another empowering and positive episode of Triumph Beyond
Trauma. Until then, be kind to your mind and trust in the magic of your
consistent and positive efforts. Triumph Beyond your trauma is closer than you
think. Have the best week.